I know, I know, I'm really bad at keeping up on my blog. The thing is, I just don't feel like writing if I don't have anything interesting (or, perhaps inspiring) to say. However, something has been on my mind the past, oh I don't know, five or so months now, and I think I have finally figured out how to put my thoughts into words. So, here goes nothing.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Love is hard.
No, really. They all are. I used to believe in "happily ever after, love always wins, etc," but lately I have come to realize that Dieter F. Uchtdorf was exactly right when he said, "Sandwiched between their 'once upon a time' and 'happily ever after,' they all had to experience great adversity." He then went on to ask, "Why must all experience sadness and tragedy? Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace, each day filled with wonder, joy, and love?"
His answer: "In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy." (Liahona, May 2010)
His inspired words are exactly what I needed to hear. Am I really not the only one who feels like giving up sometimes? That the trials I go through are too hard? Do other people feel weak in the midst of a personal challenge, too?
I probably sound like Laman and Lemuel, and the Lord is probably wanting to rip His hair out because I question so much. And, sometimes my questioning leads to murmuring. Horrible habit, I know.
My wonderful husband and I are so blessed. We really, truly are. Our Heavenly Father watches over us and guides us so perfectly. We may not see it in the moment, but at the end of it all it's easy to see His hand in things.
An example of this happened not too long ago. Nic had an awful, exhausting job that made him very unhappy to go to work every morning. It killed me to see him so sad and discouraged. We prayed together throughout the first fifteen months of our marriage for him to get a new job. After much fasting, many prayers, tears, frustration, and feeling like giving up, Nic FINALLY got a new job...three months ago. Of course, we rejoiced, thanked the Lord a million times, and things were great for a week or so. I remember looking back at Nic's trial and thinking, "Wow, that was hard, but I see now why it took so long to find the right job." He and I both know that he needed to draw closer to God for strength, and to learn how to be patient with timing. No regrets about going through such a difficult trial together.
Then, my trial began.
I went to bed crying that night, and I remember asking the Lord, "Why another trial so soon? We just made it out of one. Give me some time to recuperate after those fifteen months!"
Please tell me I am not the only person who has felt this way.
My trial was losing a very dear friend. Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am terrible at good-byes, breaks ups, time apart, etc. I was always the one getting dumped by friends or boyfriends throughout high school, not the other way around. I have a really hard time letting go, even if I can see that someone isn't good for me. I have a really hard time moving on.
I still don't know exactly how it all happened, and if I did this wouldn't be the place to post such personal content. What I do remember though is a lot of hurt, confusion, but most of all, a lot of anger.
I am not an angry person.
I had never been so angry in my life. I had never felt so betrayed, let down, given up on. Never before had I lost a friend because I am married.
Before I continue, let me make one thing very clear: I have NO regrets, and I do NOT blame my husband or our marriage for what happened.
With that said, marriage is hard. Marriage takes up all of your time. A person's marriage and spouse should be their number one priority. Your spouse should have most of your attention most of the time. This is how I feel, and how I have always felt. This is what I told my friends once I got married. All my friends knew that me being married to a full-time student with a full-time job would result in fewer girl's nights and more "Let's meet up for lunch tomorrow" or sending "I'm thinking about you and I love your guts" texts. I became a full-time wife, and I couldn't be happier.
Skip ahead to eighteen months of being married, and all of a sudden one of my best friends has decided that I am no longer a good friend, and that I should be told exactly how much I suck. Hence, the night I went to bed crying and started pleading with the Lord.
I received a very difficult answer that night. Not only from the Lord, but from my mom, my husband, and one of my other best friends. They all told me the same thing: It's time to let go.
Like I said before, I am not good at good-byes, break ups, or time apart. But I knew that this was the only way for me to be happy. I knew in order to be happy, I had to walk through Hell.
And boy, did I walk through Hell that night.
This is all I'm going to say about the details of my trial. Ending a friendship with someone I loved so much was the most painful thing I have ever had to do. But I did it, and believe it or not, I am happier.
Amazing how the Lord knows this beforehand, isn't it? It's amazing to me that I can make a decision, pray about it, receive a difficult answer, but somehow know that everything will be okay in the end. Why? Because I trusted in my Heavenly Father. He wants me to be happy, even though I have to go through adversity and suffer many afflictions.
I learned two lessons after this trial:
1. Life ebbs and flows, and friends come and go. And that's okay, as long as you just go with it. The Lord will lead you through it.
2. Happily ever after really isn't that far out of reach, as long I'm cleaving unto my husband. God gave me my husband to be my anchor, my support, my strength. I am no longer supposed to go through trials alone. I need to lean on my husband and trust in God.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Love is hard.
My friends, it is all worth it.
Someday, when I look back at my life and think about all the adversity and trials, I'll be sure to look for the Lord's hand in everything. I know without a doubt that before we can all reach our happily ever after we must first go through hard times, lots of heartache, and probably a little bit of pain and suffering. Before we achieve our happily ever after we must first do hard things. We will have to make hard decisions, and deal with the hard consequences. I know that once one trial ends, another will start soon after. Why? Because that is how we progress. We were put on this earth to learn and progress, not stand still. The most important thing to remember when this happens is the Lord needs us to go through it all so we can learn, grow, and become more like Him. That we must go through heartache to fully experience joy. He's cheering for us, and He reaches out whenever His children need Him.
All we have to do is take a deep breath, and take His hand.
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